Speak. Wait Quietly. Add More as Needed.
How Declarative Language Can Support Emotional and Executive Function Skills
I first learned about Linda K. Murphy’s work from Ryan Wexelblatt, better known as the ADHD Dude. He often talks about how helpful declarative language can be when working with students who struggle with Executive Function skills.
I was intrigued immediately — but it took me a while to read Murphy’s Declarative Language Handbook. (In fact, I read it twice!) Now it’s a resource I regularly recommend to parents and educators.
This short, practical book is especially useful if you support a child with ADHD or Autism, but honestly, any parent or teacher can benefit from it.
Imperative vs. Declarative Language
Murphy draws a clear line between imperative and declarative language.
Imperative language gives a direct command — it tells the child exactly what to do or say:
Get in line.
Say hello to Grandma.
Look at me.
Put on your jacket.
These statements can feel efficient to adults, but for some students — especially those with executive function challenges — they can trigger a fight-or-flight response. Even when we don’t intend to sound demanding, a child’s brain may still perceive it that way.
So how can we reduce that perceived threat and build connection instead of compliance?
Murphy suggests that declarative language is the key.
What Is Declarative Language?
Declarative language is a way of sharing information or observations without giving an order. It gives the child space to notice, process and respond — encouraging problem-solving and independence.
Here are alternatives to the above imperatives:
“I notice that it’s time for lunch.” or “The kids are lining up for lunch.”
“Oh! Look! Grandma is here.”
“I’m worried you might miss something if you don’t look.”
“I see that your jacket is still on the hook.”
These phrases inform, rather than instruct. The power lies in what comes next.
The Magic Step: Pause
After you make a declarative statement, pause.
Yes — longer than feels comfortable. Maybe even 20 to 30 seconds.
That silence gives your student’s brain time to process what you said, observe the environment and make a choice. It’s in that quiet space that self-advocacy, problem-solving and independent thinking start to grow.
As Murphy writes, “It creates a situation in which a child can feel empowered… rather than shamed by their vulnerabilities.”
If your student doesn’t respond after your pause, observe first. If you notice that the student seems confused or didn’t actually hear you, then (and only then) add more information.
Declarative language provides a sense of control for the student. It can help them feel valued because they are involved in decision-making.
Helpful Verbs and Phrases to Try
If you want to start experimenting with declarative language, sprinkle in verbs and phrases like:
Think, Wonder, Remember, Hear, Forget, Know, Imagine, Decide, Wish, Notice, Maybe, Might, Possibly, Perhaps, Sometimes, I’m sure / not sure
Here are a few examples from the text:
“I notice it’s starting to rain.”
“I think I smell pizza! I wonder if lunch is ready in the cafeteria.”
“I heard your friend say something.”
“Maybe we should check the time.”
“Sometimes it’s helpful to use a pencil instead of a pen.”
When Imperative Language Is Still Okay
Of course, there are moments when imperative language is necessary — like safety situations (“Hold my hand.”) or setting limits (“Please stop.”).
But when possible, using declarative language creates calmer interactions and helps kids build the Executive Function and emotional regulation skills they need to manage themselves.
Be Gentle With Yourself
If this feels new, that’s because it is! It can be a steep learning curve.
Start small. Try declarative statements in low-stress moments. Notice what happens. Over time, it will feel more natural.
Murphy’s Declarative Language Handbook is only about 100 pages — a quick, practical read packed with examples, troubleshooting tips, and ways to know if it’s working.
If you’d like to check it out, you can find the book here.
And maybe this simple phrase will become your new mantra:
Speak. Wait quietly. Add more as needed.
It’s a powerful reminder that sometimes, less talking leads to more learning.
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Carrie Bonnett is a veteran teacher and Executive Function coach based in Bend, OR. Carrie works with students and families (and adults, too). Her coaching empowers students to thrive in life and in school, helps parents and teachers to better support their children, and guides adult to get on top of all that life requires. In addition to coaching, she is also an adjunct instructor for early-career teachers at University of Portland in Oregon. For more information, visit www.carriebonnett.com
